


Don't Let Me Go (Narry Storan)

by Siubhantheelfninja



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-01
Updated: 2014-07-17
Packaged: 2018-01-17 18:28:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1398070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siubhantheelfninja/pseuds/Siubhantheelfninja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry is gay. And in love with his bandmate Niall. But he thinks Niall is straight. Will he ever get up the nerves to tell Niall? Or will his love go unnoticed?<br/>(I originally posted this on quotev but it wouldn't let me import it so.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Harry

**Author's Note:**

> (I originally posted this on quotev but it wouldn't let me import it so.)

**He was a boy,**

**A famous celebrity.**

**In a band,**

**With four of his best mates.**

**What happens,**

**When he falls for one of his mates,**

**And the fame gets to him?**

 

 

 

       Hi. The name's Harry. Harry Styles. You might have heard of me. I'm in a band, One Direction. Im 19 and my birthday is February 1st. I like tacos and the color orange.

       I really like being in One Direction and don't get me wrong I love my bandmates as if they were brothers. But sometimes it's hard. I like one of them more than a brother. That's right I'm gay, hate all you want I get hate all the time for anything and everything.  

       But one of my brothers I'm in LOVE with. He has beautiful blue eyes to go with his lovable blonde dye over naturally brown hair. The sweet irish accent and smile that could light up the whole room.

       I'm in love in Niall James Horan.

       

       But I would never tell anyone that of course.


	2. Lazy day?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [A/N will be Harry's POV unless said otherwise]

"Haarrryyy", Louis yelled into my ear. "Time to get up!".   
"Fine" I mumbled while getting out of bed.  
Today was our second week on tour and it was pretty crazy. So many fans following us around. Everywhere. It's kind of hard to get a break. Don't get me wrong, I love our fans but I just like time alone sometimes.

I put on a plain white t-shirt and some skinny jeans and walked into the little kitchen area of our tour bus. I wasn't too surprised to see everyone already eating without me. I grab some toast and pancakes and sit down on the only empty seat which was next to Louis. I start to eat my toast and I glance over to Niall who was eating like 5 million pancakes. I don't need to eat anymore than the piece of toast and 2 pancakes. I'm already to fat for Niall to like me. 

I keep eating with my head down. Louis and Liam get up and put their dishes away. I pull out my phone and go on twitter. Something catches my eye. #Larryisreal is trending. I know people ship Louis and I but why is it trending all of a sudden? I click on it and it send me to a bunch of tweets with the same picture. It was very good photo shopped picture at the right angle that made it look like Louis and I were kissing. I sighed and put my phone away. I was angry by this point. Why does everyone think that Louis is gay and Eleanor is a fake? In my mind none of this made sense because I like Niall and Louis is happily in a relationship with Eleanor. Whatever.

I pick up my dishes, put them away, and sit down on the couch and start watching TV (yes we have a TV and couch in our tour bus). I turn on Spongebob Squarepants. I know this is a kids show but it still makes me happy. 

I look up at the clock. 6 pm?! I spent my whole day doing nothing?! Today we don't have a concert but seriously. I didn't even get off the couch. I warm up some leftovers and keep watching spongebob. 

After I finish, I head to bed. It's only 7:30 but I need my rest if we have a meet and greet and then a concert tomorrow. I get into bed think about how things went today. Pretty well if you think about it. I did nothing and the boys were all out so I didn't have to think about how I'm the odd one out. Or about Niall. I sigh and turn off the light.

And drift into nightmare valley....


	3. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think you can understand what it's about from the title...

_Niall was sitting there. Telling me to come sit with him. Something is wrong though I can sense it._

_"N-no Niall I-I don't want to" I manage to whisper before he cuts me off._

_"Sit here with me. NOW" He demands._

_I quickly sit down next to him on the couch scared of what will happen next. He wraps his arm around me and whispers into my ear._

_"Harry I know you like me. I want to tell you that" Niall begins and I feel butterflies in my stomach. Does Niall like me? He breathes on my ear and then continues._

_"I want you to know that" Niall whispers into my ear. I wait for him to continue. "_

_That you are a just a depressed faggot. Why would I ever love you?" Niall says and pushes me off the couch. I start to breath heavily and my head is spinning._ **Why did I fall for him? Why would anyone ever like me? Especially Niall? He has everything great going for him.**

_My head is still spinning and soon everything goes black._

I shot straight out of bed breathing heavily, tears streaming down my face. **It was a dream. Niall never said that. It was just a dream.**

"But who cares anyway? I am a depressed faggot. He is right." I mutter and lay back down trying to get some rest. Eventually I do and everything turns black into a field of dreams.


	4. Strange hugs and Twitter Hate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sorry if this totally sucks :P I worte it at 5 am :P]

"Maybe they are right" Harry mumbled while looking through his twitter mentions. People were calling him 'fat' and 'ugly' and a 'faggot' and he was starting to believe them. He was about to throw his phone across the small bathroom when something metallic caught his eye.

"No," Harry whispered. "I can't do this" He shook his head and started crying. The metallic object was still there though. Haunting his thoughts. Finally, he picks it up and stares at it longingly. If he cuts, and it's on his wrists people will notice. But if he cuts his thighs it won't be as noticible. Carefully, he gently drags it across his skin and winces. After a few seconds it starts to feels good. Tingly and magical.

_Why would hurting yourself on purpose feel good?_

He makes a few more red lines on his skin, barely bleeding. He finds a paper towel to help him for the time being and starts tapping the blood off. Louis won't be back to their shared flat (which they got back to yesterday) until later this evening. Harry puts his pants back on making sure the cuts weren't bleeding anymore. He finishes cleaning everything off and carefully hides the razor in a now special tiny box in his room.

He faintly hears the front door close, which means Louis is home. Harry sprints quickly out of his room and down the stairs and hugs Louis.

"Um, Haz?" Louis manages to whisper in the tight grip of the younger boy.

"Yes Boobear?" Harry says still crushing Louis.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes why would you ask that?"

"Um, because you are crushing me in a hug and when I come home most days you just say hi."

"Oh y-yeah I'm f-fine"

"Okay Haz, just tell me if that isn't true. You can tell me anything", Louis whispers into the younger boys ear and leaves to the kitchen.

Harry quickly runs back upstairs and lays on his bed. By this point, he is exhausted and doesn't even take his sweater off. But within seconds he is asleep.

[Louis's Pov]

_That was... strange._

Harry had just crushed me in a hug. A hug he doesn't normally give me. He looked like he was about to cry. I hope he is okay. The second I went in the kitchen I heard him go back upstairs. I set my stuff down carefully on the counter. Then I had waited 3 minutes so I didn't look suspicious, and tiptoed upstairs. I went to Harry's room and carefully knocked on his door. When I got no reply, I started getting a little anxious. I slowly opened his door to see him fast asleep. I looked around and then carefully closed the door and went back downstairs.

_I guess he is alright after all._


	5. Hiding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is short, I just wanted to update.

_"Do you want to swim Harry?"_

That question.

I was about to say yes when I remembered my cuts.

"N-no I'm just going to stay here" my voice came out weak and hesitant.

The other boys looked at me with a little concern and then go back to their conversation. A conversation I wasn't part of, nor did I want to be. I just wanted to be with myself right now. I hear Niall's voice though and suddenly I smile and get shivers. I really do like Niall. I wish he wasn't straight.

_Never mind that sounds really selfish._

The boys leave after saying all their goodbyes. Gosh, I wish I could go with them. Why did I ever think that hurting myself was a good idea?

_You deserve it Harry. Stop telling yourself otherwise. This feeling of guilt you are getting, it is by far a wonderful feeling. Maybe you should hurt yourself more often._

I quickly shake my head. "N-no." It comes out quietly and for a few seconds I can't figure out what it was until I realized it was me.

"Not today Harry." I whisper choking back the tears threatening to spill after realizing the monster I've turned into.

"Today you'll be strong Harry." I bite my lip and lay on the couch debating my worries.

_I'm so not getting sleep tonight._


	6. Long Sleeves

I push myself out of bed and wince at the pain shooting through my wrists.   
Shut up Harry you deserve this.  
I groan and walk over to the bathroom. I'm so glad the tour is over now I just lay around and do nothing. I look over my cuts. Distant scars and freshly made cuts. The first few times weren't the deepest or anything just to see if I did feel better afterwards. If it was a release. And now, now I'm addicted. I can't go two days clean. Clean of the horrible thoughts that pressure me into hurting myself. 

But I know I deserve it. I deserve the pain. 

Knock, Knock. There is a faint knock at my door. No doubt it's Louis. I open the door and let him in.

"Hey Harry, I just got a message from Paul. We have a photo shoot in an hour. Just thought you might want to know." With that he left me to get ready. Knowing I didn't have to do much since I already did my hair and Lou was just going to put me in some other clothes anyways. I put some cologne and accessories on. Yes, I did just call them accessories. No, I am not a 6 year old girl. Soon Louis comes to tell me it's time to go and I follow him outside after grabbing a sweater and my phone.

-time lapse to before the photoshoot-

"Okay boys go get dressed." 

I gulp and look at my outfit. Short sleeves. I start breathing quicker as I walk back to Lou.

"Harry why aren't you getting dressed? Is something wrong?" 

"Um is there anyway I can wear a jacket? Or long sleeves? I'm kind of cold."

"Yes Harry here" Lou states and then hands me a denim jacket.

"Thanks Lou" I walk into our dressing room where Niall and Liam are eating a pizza and Louis and Zayn are fixing their hair. I quickly change while no ones paying attention making sure to cover my wrist whenever possible.

The concert went without me screwing it up for once and I feel better but I'm sat at the bar with the boys craving the pain. The blade on my skin.

When did I end up like this?


	7. Friends

I rushed from the bar so I could get home. the boys wondered why, but I told them Spongebob was on and I didn't want to miss it. Liam and Zayn seemed to shrug it off. I've done that before, but Louis didn't seem to buy it. I got home and slammed the door to my car and locked it and ran into my flat. I locked the door and ran to my bedroom.

I pulled out the 'special' box from under my bed. I had started cutting on my thighs, but recently it spread to my wrists. I sighed and placed the cold metal to my skin and pushed it down. I winced slightly, but was relieved when I saw little beads of blood on my skin. 

1 cut, 2 cuts, 5 cuts later I was going to make a few more until the blade was snatched right from my hand. I hadn't even noticed my flatmate had come home to check on me, nor did I notice that he came in my room and was standing behind me. I looked up at the older lad scared, and anxious.

What was Louis going to think?

"Louis. It's not what you think." I hurriedly yelped.

"Oh really. Then what is it?"

I took in the words the elder boy said and I was at a loss for my own words. Louis sighed and I noticed that he was crying softly. 

"I'm sorry" I murmured softly.

"No, no Harry don't be sorry. I'm not mad. Let's get you cleaned off." Louis went and got the first aid kit and silently cleaned off my arms. After he bandaged my arms he looked at me with eyes full of sympathy. 

"I want to wait until you're ready to talk but could you answer one question?" I looked at him waiting for the question as I reluctantly nodded.

"Why?"


	8. Explanations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so short I will explain what happened in this scene in a later chapter.

Why?

I looked up at Louis.

"L-Louis, It's not that easy."

"But it's easy to cut up your body?"

"Louis-"

"Harry. Tell me everything. From the beginning no matter long or stupid you think it is I will listen"

"Y-you'll leave m-me"

Louis sighed,"Haz, I would never leave you. You're the best friend I've ever had and I don't want to see you hurting."

I nodded, "Fine". And I tell him everything.


	9. Alternatives

Louis promised not to tell anyone. Not even the other lads. He made me promise that whenever I felt like cutting to tell him, call him, go to him. I promised without hesitation, but this sure as hell isn't the smoothest road I've been down. I've been cutting everyday and I really don't want to annoy him by waking him up tomorrow at 3 am just because I can't get my shit together. 

I've figured I just need something to distract myself- another addiction. That is why I snuck into Zayn's stuff earlier and took his cigarettes. He will probably look for them and think he dropped them or left them or something and buy more so I'm fine. Maybe if I just smoke I won't cut anymore. 

Right now everyone is asleep so I sneak outside. Just to have one little smoke. Listening to the loneliness of the night. The loneliness of me. I hear the door open and spin around attempting to hide the cigarette. It's Louis and he looks pissed.

"Harry what the hell are you thinking?! You can't just start a different addiction to distract you from cutting! And don't give me some excuse!" 

"I'm sorry." I mumble looking at the ground. 

Louis reaches out his hand,

"Hand it here Haz."

I sigh and hand him the last thing I could possibly to hurt myself. 

"Just this once?"

His question startles me.

"What?"

"You've only smoked just this once. Haven't you?"

I nod and he warmly embraces me.

"Please Harry, if you ever think about hurting yourself again, come talk to me first. " Louis whispers in my ear as tears start to spill rapidly from my eyes. Why have emotions now? So stupid, Harry...

I nod. "Okay Lou."

"Promise me."

I hesitate before answering.

"I promise Louis."


	10. Amnesia

_I can't do it._

_It's not like I don't respect and even love louis, but I can't fucking do it._

_I wanna cut._

_I wanna cut_.

**_I wanna die._ **

_Maybe I should kill myself_.

_Maybe Niall will love me then right?_

**_No one loves you til you're dead._ **

I'm interrupted by a knock at the door. 

There are tears streaming down my face.

I can't and won't open that door.

But it's Louis, and he opens it himself anyways.

"Harry? Are you okay?" He asks timidly, his eyes scanning the room for me until he finds the lump of flesh and clothes in the corner behind the bed.

He's not sure if I'm awake or even alive until my body shakes with a silent sob.

"Oh, Harry!" Louis half whispers, half screams as his body walks over and warmly embraces me.

I whimper and whisper "No".

He pauses and asks, "What do you mean?"

"No I'm not okay" I sit up and show him the full bottle of pills clenched in my shaking hand.

"I was going to take all of these"

"Oh my god, Harry!" Louis exclaimed.

He hugged me tighter and whispered "We will get through this".

I listened to him and acknowledged that he thought I could get better.

_I don't think I'll ever get better._

And as he cooed me to sleep, telling me that I am fine, I realized **_I'm really not fine at all._**

_And no one can help me-_

**_I've been dead for a while now._ **


End file.
